So...I went on my first date. Well, my first date since my divorce anyway :). It sounds like a simple thing but it took a long process to get there. When I first separated I swore I would never marry again and so decided that if I wasn't going to marry then there was no purpose in dating and quite honestly was completely happy with that decision. I had 2 jobs, full-time school, and 5 kids to keep me perfectly busy and with no time for anything else. Slowly a nudging started to bug me...a thought that maybe (big maybe) dating might be a little bit fun. Whenever I actually tried to picture it, however, I pretty much went into anxiety...soooo I decided maybe it wouldn't be so fun after all. One day, I realized it did sound like fun...then the next day I realized that it didn't, and so on until one day I realized the days it did sound like fun were getting more and the days it didn't were getting less. Then...I got a break from school...and suddenly my days weren't so full and I actually had a little time to get *shudder* lonely! That was new, as I hadn't been lonely for the 8 months I had been separated, I was way too busy. So finally somewhere along month 9 or so I decided I actually wanted to date. Once my divorce was finalized (another long and painful story we will save for another day...) I had an opportunity to go on my "first" date. And surprisingly enough...it was actually fun! Yay! So I have started a step into a new stage of my life and so far, anyway, I think I kind of like it! :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Epiphany....
So I know I have an influx of posts...but I figure I better get my years worth in before school starts again in August! So as I was sitting on my kitchen floor unclogging my kitchen pipes after a particularly stubborn bout of noodles clogged my garbage disposal...again...I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how I have always prided myself on being a go-getter, a person who doesn't wait around for someone to take care of her but takes the matter into her own hands if there doesn't seem to be someone willing to take on the job. In the last few years I have learned to change filters on my furnaces, jump my car battery, oil/gas and restring my weed eater, fix flat tires, troubleshoot garbage disposals, clean clogged drains, troubleshoot my computer, take out and replace hard drives, and even install a sprinkling system (including using the manly blow torch-scary I know). I have turned into an okay Dad. :) But I realized that I will never be better than an "okay" Dad...and that is how it should be. I am realizing more and more that I can't and don't want to do life on my own. I am recognizing how much life goes better with partners-with equal, responsible, faithful, kind, willing to shoulder your burdens together- partners :). I can say, for the first time in a LONG time, I feel ready to try to give my heart to someone else...to trust that someone will help take care of me...and then to let them do it. Who knows how long it will take to find that someone...but at least I am finally ready to try.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Alone...never...
Well, my divorce is final...after over a year of stress, pain, and trials one step is down. I felt like I should probably shed a few tears of pain over my loss but I have to admit I didn't. Not that I haven't shed plenty of tears over the losses of my dreams, my house, my close proximity to friends, my ward, my childrens' security, and my status as a wife but there are some pains better left in the past. This year has been one of the darkest (if not the darkest) of any I have experienced and yet there has been a light with me that has kept me going every day through every new trial and I cannot deny that I have been blessed. I have found that as much as my fondest dream is to one day be a wife again (I honestly LOVED being married) there are some great things about being single as well. I have support like no other. I have support from my kids, family, friends, ward members, neighbors, people that I haven't seen in years, people I have met within the last year, and, of course, always my Savior. I used to believe that I could handle anything on my own and I didn't need anyone else (I am a little bit stubborn) but I KNOW now that we are here to help each other make it through this life a little easier. I have been given anonymous notes, flowers, gift cards, money, and love. I have been given peace. Just when my days have seemed the darkest a little light was given me to help me take the next step and often times that light was given through someone else. So while on paper I am now alone...a Ms Stephanie Johnson with no Mister :)... I am never alone...thank you all!
