Spring!

This year has been an interesting year, one full of a lot of ups and a lot of downs. I have learned (and am learning) a lot about myself, about strength, about faith, and a lot about family. I have learned that after a divorce you can still sing "I Have a Family Here on Earth" with just as much faith, hope, and optimism as you did before the divorce. I still have my eternal family...it just happened to get a tiny bit smaller. :) I have learned that sometimes kids boo-boos can't be solved with a simple band-aid and sometimes they can't be solved in less than an hour. But...I have been reminded, time and time again, that my children were Heavenly Father's children first and He knows what they need before they even need it. He knows to inspire me to ask a certain question or to spend time with a certain child that day or to just smile and laugh with my children in that moment. He loves them and I love Him for that. He does not want them to suffer anymore than I do. I am recognizing that He tailors each child's life for his/her own growth and that sometimes that growth requires pain or trials but sometimes that growth comes from joy and happy moments. When I realize what I want for my children, and I realize what Heavenly Father wants for my children it helps me realize what my Heavenly Father wants for me....

This last year has been painful, it has been hard, it has hurt...BUT I have grown. My faith has grown, my love for my Savior has grown, my strength has grown, my capacity to handle children, jobs, school, and church callings has been supplemented with a power that is truly not my own. I have learned to appreciate the trials and challenges I have been given in my life because I love what they teach me. But somewhere along the way something surprising happened...suddenly the trials grew smaller, the pain grew less, and I began to have positive experiences, joy, happy moments. I had to learn to have faith that Heavenly Father ultimately wants me to be happy and that sometimes He blesses us with positive experiences and we can grow just as much from them as we do from our trials. I also realized that my painful road led me to a place that was beautiful and was tailored just for me, I just had to do the work to walk down that road, having faith that it was leading me to a place Heavenly Father wanted me to go. Heavenly Father truly knows the end from the beginning and in the dark, lonely moments I remind myself that after every midnight eventually comes the dawn, and after every winter comes the spring and sometimes we are blessed with a dawn, or a spring so much more beautiful than we could have ever imagined for ourselves. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes and I don't know who it is by... "I would rather walk with God in the darkness than go alone in the light".

And stay tuned...because another day (when it is not 12:20 in the morning) I will go into more detail about my spring :)! It truly is beautiful!!!!

A New Stage

So...I went on my first date. Well, my first date since my divorce anyway :). It sounds like a simple thing but it took a long process to get there. When I first separated I swore I would never marry again and so decided that if I wasn't going to marry then there was no purpose in dating and quite honestly was completely happy with that decision. I had 2 jobs, full-time school, and 5 kids to keep me perfectly busy and with no time for anything else. Slowly a nudging started to bug me...a thought that maybe (big maybe) dating might be a little bit fun. Whenever I actually tried to picture it, however, I pretty much went into anxiety...soooo I decided maybe it wouldn't be so fun after all. One day, I realized it did sound like fun...then the next day I realized that it didn't, and so on until one day I realized the days it did sound like fun were getting more and the days it didn't were getting less. Then...I got a break from school...and suddenly my days weren't so full and I actually had a little time to get *shudder* lonely! That was new, as I hadn't been lonely for the 8 months I had been separated, I was way too busy. So finally somewhere along month 9 or so I decided I actually wanted to date. Once my divorce was finalized (another long and painful story we will save for another day...) I had an opportunity to go on my "first" date. And surprisingly enough...it was actually fun! Yay! So I have started a step into a new stage of my life and so far, anyway, I think I kind of like it! :)

Epiphany....

So I know I have an influx of posts...but I figure I better get my years worth in before school starts again in August! So as I was sitting on my kitchen floor unclogging my kitchen pipes after a particularly stubborn bout of noodles clogged my garbage disposal...again...I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how I have always prided myself on being a go-getter, a person who doesn't wait around for someone to take care of her but takes the matter into her own hands if there doesn't seem to be someone willing to take on the job. In the last few years I have learned to change filters on my furnaces, jump my car battery, oil/gas and restring my weed eater, fix flat tires, troubleshoot garbage disposals, clean clogged drains, troubleshoot my computer, take out and replace hard drives, and even install a sprinkling system (including using the manly blow torch-scary I know). I have turned into an okay Dad. :) But I realized that I will never be better than an "okay" Dad...and that is how it should be. I am realizing more and more that I can't and don't want to do life on my own. I am recognizing how much life goes better with partners-with equal, responsible, faithful, kind, willing to shoulder your burdens together- partners :). I can say, for the first time in a LONG time, I feel ready to try to give my heart to someone else...to trust that someone will help take care of me...and then to let them do it. Who knows how long it will take to find that someone...but at least I am finally ready to try.

Some of my greatest inspirations!

Alone...never...

Well, my divorce is final...after over a year of stress, pain, and trials one step is down. I felt like I should probably shed a few tears of pain over my loss but I have to admit I didn't. Not that I haven't shed plenty of tears over the losses of my dreams, my house, my close proximity to friends, my ward, my childrens' security, and my status as a wife but there are some pains better left in the past. This year has been one of the darkest (if not the darkest) of any I have experienced and yet there has been a light with me that has kept me going every day through every new trial and I cannot deny that I have been blessed. I have found that as much as my fondest dream is to one day be a wife again (I honestly LOVED being married) there are some great things about being single as well. I have support like no other. I have support from my kids, family, friends, ward members, neighbors, people that I haven't seen in years, people I have met within the last year, and, of course, always my Savior. I used to believe that I could handle anything on my own and I didn't need anyone else (I am a little bit stubborn) but I KNOW now that we are here to help each other make it through this life a little easier. I have been given anonymous notes, flowers, gift cards, money, and love. I have been given peace. Just when my days have seemed the darkest a little light was given me to help me take the next step and often times that light was given through someone else. So while on paper I am now alone...a Ms Stephanie Johnson with no Mister :)... I am never alone...thank you all!

Just thought I would post a pic so my blog wouldn't be quite so boring!!! :) Still no camera...so no new pics to post!

The year mark....

It has been a year since Chris has passed away. It has been a hard year and a long one but we have made it at least this far. :) I miss Chris, I miss his love he had for EVERYONE. I miss his laugh, his wonderful sense of humor, his spirituality and his down-to-earth humility. I laugh at Sadie's antics and cry that Chris can't be here to help her grow up in this crazy world. I love and appreciate Jen, but mourn that she is having to shoulder the burdens of going it alone. I do marvel that a life well lived affects people long after that person is gone. While I am sure Chris is doing amazing work on the other side, I marvel at the work he is still doing here simply through the example he left by living his life the way he did. He has encouraged and inspired many people, including myself, to be a little better and try a little harder. I love you, Chris!


In loving memory! "Chris York 1978-2009"
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Political Science....

For my political science class I am creating a political blog that I have to keep updated for the semester...let's see if I can do a better job than I do at this one! :) So...if you want a good laugh as I try to act somewhat politically aware come visit my new blog at http://political musings-stephanie.blogspot.com. Please don't be afraid to comment or give me any tips that would make it a better blog...I am getting graded!

Finally...the history of turkey jerky!

I have finally discovered where those disgusting looking packages of "turkey jerky" sold in stores come from. They come from Christmas dinners gone bad. AKA...first the turkey is not taken out of the freezer on time resulting in a very frozen, very non ready bird. Next, after hours of creative thawing, the turkey is transported to the actual event where it is to make its grand appearance, still not cooked, and still holding on to its neck and other such disgusting things that you are told HAVE to be removed before the turkey can be cooked. Next, turkey is relieved of above disgusting extras...with a little help from the actual chef of the party since the "turkey cooker"(me)cannot stand touching raw meat...:P. Then the turkey is finally put into the oven with strict instructions from real chef to fake chef (Dustin to me)about what to do since real chef has to leave the party. Two hours after fake chef is supposed to check on turkey and take off lid for final browning time, fake chef realizes she forgot the turkey was even in the oven...oops. Fake chef quickly rescues turkey from its veeeerrry extended vacation in the warm oven. The turkey leg bones are now literally dry...with the meat pulled back and looking very done. The turkey is now perfect to take off the bone,try to chew and then in defeat send it off to the packaging company to be made into...yes, the packages of disgusting looking turkey jerky.
I would like to say this story is a bit of an exaggeration however, unfortunately it is not...it is not one of those stories where everyone agrees that the turkey actually tasted fine despite all the mishaps. A famous line by one, Jen York, after I gloatingly informed her that Wendy actually asked for some turkey to take home..."Did she actually try it?" Touche! :)