The day after Thanksgiving the man of my dreams fulfilled my dreams and asked me to marry him. He started the night by taking me to the Roof, a restaurant overlooking the Salt Lake temple, for a romantic dinner. While eating I was delivered a beautiful bouquet of a dozen red roses,
This year has been an interesting year, one full of a lot of ups and a lot of downs. I have learned (and am learning) a lot about myself, about strength, about faith, and a lot about family. I have learned that after a divorce you can still sing "I Have a Family Here on Earth" with just as much faith, hope, and optimism as you did before the divorce. I still have my eternal family...it just happened to get a tiny bit smaller. :) I have learned that sometimes kids boo-boos can't be solved with a simple band-aid and sometimes they can't be solved in less than an hour. But...I have been reminded, time and time again, that my children were Heavenly Father's children first and He knows what they need before they even need it. He knows to inspire me to ask a certain question or to spend time with a certain child that day or to just smile and laugh with my children in that moment. He loves them and I love Him for that. He does not want them to suffer anymore than I do. I am recognizing that He tailors each child's life for his/her own growth and that sometimes that growth requires pain or trials but sometimes that growth comes from joy and happy moments. When I realize what I want for my children, and I realize what Heavenly Father wants for my children it helps me realize what my Heavenly Father wants for me....
This last year has been painful, it has been hard, it has hurt...BUT I have grown. My faith has grown, my love for my Savior has grown, my strength has grown, my capacity to handle children, jobs, school, and church callings has been supplemented with a power that is truly not my own. I have learned to appreciate the trials and challenges I have been given in my life because I love what they teach me. But somewhere along the way something surprising happened...suddenly the trials grew smaller, the pain grew less, and I began to have positive experiences, joy, happy moments. I had to learn to have faith that Heavenly Father ultimately wants me to be happy and that sometimes He blesses us with positive experiences and we can grow just as much from them as we do from our trials. I also realized that my painful road led me to a place that was beautiful and was tailored just for me, I just had to do the work to walk down that road, having faith that it was leading me to a place Heavenly Father wanted me to go. Heavenly Father truly knows the end from the beginning and in the dark, lonely moments I remind myself that after every midnight eventually comes the dawn, and after every winter comes the spring and sometimes we are blessed with a dawn, or a spring so much more beautiful than we could have ever imagined for ourselves. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes and I don't know who it is by... "I would rather walk with God in the darkness than go alone in the light".
And stay tuned...because another day (when it is not 12:20 in the morning) I will go into more detail about my spring :)! It truly is beautiful!!!!
So...I went on my first date. Well, my first date since my divorce anyway :). It sounds like a simple thing but it took a long process to get there. When I first separated I swore I would never marry again and so decided that if I wasn't going to marry then there was no purpose in dating and quite honestly was completely happy with that decision. I had 2 jobs, full-time school, and 5 kids to keep me perfectly busy and with no time for anything else. Slowly a nudging started to bug me...a thought that maybe (big maybe) dating might be a little bit fun. Whenever I actually tried to picture it, however, I pretty much went into anxiety...soooo I decided maybe it wouldn't be so fun after all. One day, I realized it did sound like fun...then the next day I realized that it didn't, and so on until one day I realized the days it did sound like fun were getting more and the days it didn't were getting less. Then...I got a break from school...and suddenly my days weren't so full and I actually had a little time to get *shudder* lonely! That was new, as I hadn't been lonely for the 8 months I had been separated, I was way too busy. So finally somewhere along month 9 or so I decided I actually wanted to date. Once my divorce was finalized (another long and painful story we will save for another day...) I had an opportunity to go on my "first" date. And surprisingly enough...it was actually fun! Yay! So I have started a step into a new stage of my life and so far, anyway, I think I kind of like it! :)
So I know I have an influx of posts...but I figure I better get my years worth in before school starts again in August! So as I was sitting on my kitchen floor unclogging my kitchen pipes after a particularly stubborn bout of noodles clogged my garbage disposal...again...I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how I have always prided myself on being a go-getter, a person who doesn't wait around for someone to take care of her but takes the matter into her own hands if there doesn't seem to be someone willing to take on the job. In the last few years I have learned to change filters on my furnaces, jump my car battery, oil/gas and restring my weed eater, fix flat tires, troubleshoot garbage disposals, clean clogged drains, troubleshoot my computer, take out and replace hard drives, and even install a sprinkling system (including using the manly blow torch-scary I know). I have turned into an okay Dad. :) But I realized that I will never be better than an "okay" Dad...and that is how it should be. I am realizing more and more that I can't and don't want to do life on my own. I am recognizing how much life goes better with partners-with equal, responsible, faithful, kind, willing to shoulder your burdens together- partners :). I can say, for the first time in a LONG time, I feel ready to try to give my heart to someone else...to trust that someone will help take care of me...and then to let them do it. Who knows how long it will take to find that someone...but at least I am finally ready to try.
Well, my divorce is final...after over a year of stress, pain, and trials one step is down. I felt like I should probably shed a few tears of pain over my loss but I have to admit I didn't. Not that I haven't shed plenty of tears over the losses of my dreams, my house, my close proximity to friends, my ward, my childrens' security, and my status as a wife but there are some pains better left in the past. This year has been one of the darkest (if not the darkest) of any I have experienced and yet there has been a light with me that has kept me going every day through every new trial and I cannot deny that I have been blessed. I have found that as much as my fondest dream is to one day be a wife again (I honestly LOVED being married) there are some great things about being single as well. I have support like no other. I have support from my kids, family, friends, ward members, neighbors, people that I haven't seen in years, people I have met within the last year, and, of course, always my Savior. I used to believe that I could handle anything on my own and I didn't need anyone else (I am a little bit stubborn) but I KNOW now that we are here to help each other make it through this life a little easier. I have been given anonymous notes, flowers, gift cards, money, and love. I have been given peace. Just when my days have seemed the darkest a little light was given me to help me take the next step and often times that light was given through someone else. So while on paper I am now alone...a Ms Stephanie Johnson with no Mister :)... I am never alone...thank you all!
It has been a year since Chris has passed away. It has been a hard year and a long one but we have made it at least this far. :) I miss Chris, I miss his love he had for EVERYONE. I miss his laugh, his wonderful sense of humor, his spirituality and his down-to-earth humility. I laugh at Sadie's antics and cry that Chris can't be here to help her grow up in this crazy world. I love and appreciate Jen, but mourn that she is having to shoulder the burdens of going it alone. I do marvel that a life well lived affects people long after that person is gone. While I am sure Chris is doing amazing work on the other side, I marvel at the work he is still doing here simply through the example he left by living his life the way he did. He has encouraged and inspired many people, including myself, to be a little better and try a little harder. I love you, Chris!
In loving memory! "Chris York 1978-2009"
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For my political science class I am creating a political blog that I have to keep updated for the semester...let's see if I can do a better job than I do at this one! :) So...if you want a good laugh as I try to act somewhat politically aware come visit my new blog at http://political musings-stephanie.blogspot.com. Please don't be afraid to comment or give me any tips that would make it a better blog...I am getting graded!
I have finally discovered where those disgusting looking packages of "turkey jerky" sold in stores come from. They come from Christmas dinners gone bad. AKA...first the turkey is not taken out of the freezer on time resulting in a very frozen, very non ready bird. Next, after hours of creative thawing, the turkey is transported to the actual event where it is to make its grand appearance, still not cooked, and still holding on to its neck and other such disgusting things that you are told HAVE to be removed before the turkey can be cooked. Next, turkey is relieved of above disgusting extras...with a little help from the actual chef of the party since the "turkey cooker"(me)cannot stand touching raw meat...:P. Then the turkey is finally put into the oven with strict instructions from real chef to fake chef (Dustin to me)about what to do since real chef has to leave the party. Two hours after fake chef is supposed to check on turkey and take off lid for final browning time, fake chef realizes she forgot the turkey was even in the oven...oops. Fake chef quickly rescues turkey from its veeeerrry extended vacation in the warm oven. The turkey leg bones are now literally dry...with the meat pulled back and looking very done. The turkey is now perfect to take off the bone,try to chew and then in defeat send it off to the packaging company to be made into...yes, the packages of disgusting looking turkey jerky.
I would like to say this story is a bit of an exaggeration however, unfortunately it is not...it is not one of those stories where everyone agrees that the turkey actually tasted fine despite all the mishaps. A famous line by one, Jen York, after I gloatingly informed her that Wendy actually asked for some turkey to take home..."Did she actually try it?" Touche! :)
Today I got the nicest present...that is right...a camera!!!! Yay!!! A wonderful, dear friend of mine got it for me and delivered it today so I would have it in time to take Christmas pics! I took my first picture since July!!! I have been so incredibly blessed this Christmas season with incredible support...both financially and emotionally. I am so grateful for the wonderful support of my friends and family and now I am off to take pictures!!! Stay tuned...
In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I would blog a portion of my gratitude list...I could never fit all of it on one little blog! I have so much to be grateful for I don't even know where to start but here it goes...in no particular order!
Disclaimer: No turkeys were harmed in the making of this Thanksgiving list.
1. The savior and the atonement of course always number one.
2. My kids...I don't know how I have been so extremely blessed to have five of the most amazing kids alive...but I am grateful I have!
3. The rest of my family...there are no words humanly possible to express what you mean to me...I could have never made it through the last few months without all of you...especially the wedges ;).
4. Jen and Kim and their extended family...for me they are part of number 3 but I want you to know you how much you all mean to me...you have been amazing supports through this intense year both to Chris and to me...thank you...your support and kind words mean more than you will ever know.
5. Friends...I have some of the best friends a girl could have!
6. School...crazy huh!!! But I am soooo grateful for school-in a time when sometimes I feel I am failing everywhere it is nice to have a place where deferred gratification is a week not 18 years! :)
7. With that said...that my semester is almost over!!! Yay! 3 classes down...3 to go!
8. Prayer...how I love the strength I get through prayer...how I love having somewhere to go that I can bawl my eyes out and say whatever I need to and know the "person" listening truly cares and knows what I need.
9. Scriptures
10. Exercise-I wish I could make the time to do more of it right now...but that will come!
11. Music
12. Kind words and deeds-some days it is the little things that gets me through!
13.Food, all food but mainly dessert, especially chocolate coconut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory! :)
14. Boats!!!! Both the boats I have used in the past and the one I am looking forward to in my future! LOL
15. Laughter!!
16.Love...I am blessed with so much love in my life
17. Determination...strength...maybe even a little bit of anger...the stuff it takes for you to get off the path you are on that is not leading you where you need to go and on to the right path...
18. Peace
19. Adventure!! I have a feeling this new stage in my life will be full of adventure and in some ways I can't wait! :) I am starting to feel the nudging that it is time to finalize past "issues" and get on with the new stage in my life staring me in the face...aaah...dating....bring it on (but not quite yet):).
20. Chris-it has been 7 months since he passed away...unbelievable...but his life still speaks to me always...his journal blesses me so much through my trials as does my memories of the wonderful 31 years we got to spend with him
Overall I know I am so blessed! I love that while my life is hard right now I still have joy and the Lord reminds me always how much I have been given! Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, I still don't have a camera so I haven't blogged for a while but I figure it is well past time and it is time to talk a little more about how my life really is...the good, the bad, and the ugly! :)School is going great. I love almost every minute of it...I know I am probably a little on the crazy side but I honestly love it. I love homework, tests, class, all of it-yay!! I have missed school and have been waiting to go back for 14 years so this part of my life is a little bit of a dream come true. The only downside is when homework gets in the way of my kids but so far that hasn't been too much of a problem. I am starting my second part time job this week...(working in the gift shop and doing inventory at Union Station for work study) so the time away from the kids might become more of an issue and that sincerely will be hard for me. The week of my first accounting test, which is probably one of my harder tests, I had Barb's wedding cake due. I was baking it and studying for my test and had a plan all laid out when I got a call from the school saying Brayden had hurt his arm and could I come and just make sure he was ok they just really don't know his personality to know if it is a big deal or not. So I am thinking...well,that doesn't sound like a big deal... I will just get this cake out of the oven, go look at Brayden's arm and go take my test an hour early after I send Brayden back to class with a hug and a kiss! :)I get there (20 minutes later..darn cake) and Brayden is sitting there with tears streaming down his face...right there is the first indication something is really wrong- he just doesn't cry much. So they say look at his arm and see what you think...I think there may be a little bump but you decide. So they take the homemade brace off and lift up his sleeve. A little bump??? Are you crazy...it looked like the Harry Potter arm...bending was going on where there was not supposed to be bending. So I smiled kindly and said okay Brayden you want to go to the doctor (like now!!). He tearfully said yes and then we proceeded to a four hour ordeal of getting his arm set (it was all I could do not to cry my eyes out watching that one) and casting his arm. Amazingly enough the wedding cake got done, my test was finished -with a good score, and I went to bed knowing the Lord watches over us even on the little things. I have had soooo many miracles since the start of my separation-it is amazing how the Lord can be with one even in the middle of ugly, painful things-even more in those things I should say. I am blessed and have had great support from family and friends and continue to go on day to day...feeling a little broken myself but knowing with the Lord one day maybe I can feel whole again. I am learning to love the Atonement even more and am so thankful for the hope it gives us all! Today at Stake Conference one of the members of my new Stake Presidency (I moved last month)talked about families and kids loving their parents. He talked about how he was fatherless from the time he was 11 years old and how he loved his mother twice as much because he knew how hard she worked for her family. He then told all the kids who have single parents that their parents love them twice as much and they need to love their parents twice as much. Needless to say tears were streaming down my face. I cannot tell you how it made me feel to know at least one person in that stake was not judging me and even understood. I have realized more than ever the last few months how very important it is to never judge each other. We truly can never know the heart of another...no matter how obvious something looks on the outside there is often a beautiful story on the inside. My new goal is to find out people's beautiful stories more and point fingers less...if I can help someone feel a little less broken then maybe my trials won't be for naught....
Well, it's been a busy few weeks. We had 4 boys in soccer, 2 boys in scouts, 1 girl in track, 1 girl and 1 Mom (me) in Young Women's. Whoo....the time has come to an end, it's been crazy but fun!! Some highlights....Jordan loved his soccer team....the second one....the first one he was so unimpressed with because of their rudeness and swearing that he wanted to quit. But once we changed his team he loved it. I was very impressed with his desire to be in a good environment! Go Jordan!! Jordan is also in a chess tournament...and doing very well...obviously he doesn't take after his mother over this one! But I am very proud of him!
Brock lost his last soccer game but won in the sportsmans area!! He was kicking the ball in the middle of a group of boys and one tripped and fell, the ball landed right in front of Brock. I was (as a good soccer mom does) yelling...get the ball!! get the ball!!! He literally stepped around the ball and gave the fallen boy (from the other team) his hand and helped him up. Then he followed the boy asking are you allright, are you allright...while the boy was trying to go get the ball!! I was crying...I figured...ok...Brock will never be a football player (can you imagine...Did I hit you too hard...are you ok?...I am so sorry!) but he will be a caring guy...who needs football player sons anyway! :) Needless to say it was a proud Mom moment.
Tristan made North End in track...don't ask I guess it is like half district or something. She trained to be a sprinter and ran the mile at one meet just for fun because she hadn't qualified in anything else that meet. Her time was good enough to make North End and so she had a whole two days to train! She ran the mile in 6 minutes 49 seconds...not quite good enough to make district but she did get 12th place out of 26 and she won her heat. Her coach told her he was excited to see her next year and train her for distance and he figured he could get her to district!!! Go Tristan!! I was, of course, crying...it made me proud to see her run her little heart out.
The twins played soccer and did a great job!! It was fun to watch them play soccer for the first time ever! They both did a great job. It has been a fun couple of months but very, very busy!!!
Well we have yet another doctor visit for Brayden. Somehow he fell off a nine foot cement driveway and was no worse for wear, but play Santa Claus with his brother, Brock, and watch out!! Somehow, in Brayden's words, Brock dodged him and he hit the table...I don't know I never knew Santa Claus could be so dangerous but with our boys I guess anything goes! So for Christmas this year Brayden got six stitches! He handled it well...didn't cry at all until i got home and changed the band aid...go figure...the shots don't hurt...the stitches don't hurt...but take off a band aid... :)
Well, with Chei's help my bathroom got a makeover this week!! I didn't get any before pics but lets just say it really needed it! Our baseboards were cracking (Darrin and a friend replaced those-my hero!!), our towel rack was broken off the wall (another heroic act by Darrin got a new one put on the wall :) ), and we didn't have a shower curtain...yes, it was sad. Oh and it is our guest bathroom....so here are the pics of my new bathroom...after lots of painting by Chei and I and lots of scraping paint off the floors by Tristan and Jordan it had its unveiling on Thanksgiving. Yay to new bathrooms!! :)
Tristan turned the big 13 last Thursday. I told her the whole week before she couldn't cop an attitude because she wasn't 13 yet...I am still trying to come up with a good reason she can't cop one now...If you have any ideas let me know!! :)Anyways, here's too our little girl all growing up. sniff sniff. She is a great kid and we are blessed to have her 13 and all.
