A New Stage

So...I went on my first date. Well, my first date since my divorce anyway :). It sounds like a simple thing but it took a long process to get there. When I first separated I swore I would never marry again and so decided that if I wasn't going to marry then there was no purpose in dating and quite honestly was completely happy with that decision. I had 2 jobs, full-time school, and 5 kids to keep me perfectly busy and with no time for anything else. Slowly a nudging started to bug me...a thought that maybe (big maybe) dating might be a little bit fun. Whenever I actually tried to picture it, however, I pretty much went into anxiety...soooo I decided maybe it wouldn't be so fun after all. One day, I realized it did sound like fun...then the next day I realized that it didn't, and so on until one day I realized the days it did sound like fun were getting more and the days it didn't were getting less. Then...I got a break from school...and suddenly my days weren't so full and I actually had a little time to get *shudder* lonely! That was new, as I hadn't been lonely for the 8 months I had been separated, I was way too busy. So finally somewhere along month 9 or so I decided I actually wanted to date. Once my divorce was finalized (another long and painful story we will save for another day...) I had an opportunity to go on my "first" date. And surprisingly enough...it was actually fun! Yay! So I have started a step into a new stage of my life and so far, anyway, I think I kind of like it! :)

Epiphany....

So I know I have an influx of posts...but I figure I better get my years worth in before school starts again in August! So as I was sitting on my kitchen floor unclogging my kitchen pipes after a particularly stubborn bout of noodles clogged my garbage disposal...again...I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how I have always prided myself on being a go-getter, a person who doesn't wait around for someone to take care of her but takes the matter into her own hands if there doesn't seem to be someone willing to take on the job. In the last few years I have learned to change filters on my furnaces, jump my car battery, oil/gas and restring my weed eater, fix flat tires, troubleshoot garbage disposals, clean clogged drains, troubleshoot my computer, take out and replace hard drives, and even install a sprinkling system (including using the manly blow torch-scary I know). I have turned into an okay Dad. :) But I realized that I will never be better than an "okay" Dad...and that is how it should be. I am realizing more and more that I can't and don't want to do life on my own. I am recognizing how much life goes better with partners-with equal, responsible, faithful, kind, willing to shoulder your burdens together- partners :). I can say, for the first time in a LONG time, I feel ready to try to give my heart to someone else...to trust that someone will help take care of me...and then to let them do it. Who knows how long it will take to find that someone...but at least I am finally ready to try.

Some of my greatest inspirations!

Alone...never...

Well, my divorce is final...after over a year of stress, pain, and trials one step is down. I felt like I should probably shed a few tears of pain over my loss but I have to admit I didn't. Not that I haven't shed plenty of tears over the losses of my dreams, my house, my close proximity to friends, my ward, my childrens' security, and my status as a wife but there are some pains better left in the past. This year has been one of the darkest (if not the darkest) of any I have experienced and yet there has been a light with me that has kept me going every day through every new trial and I cannot deny that I have been blessed. I have found that as much as my fondest dream is to one day be a wife again (I honestly LOVED being married) there are some great things about being single as well. I have support like no other. I have support from my kids, family, friends, ward members, neighbors, people that I haven't seen in years, people I have met within the last year, and, of course, always my Savior. I used to believe that I could handle anything on my own and I didn't need anyone else (I am a little bit stubborn) but I KNOW now that we are here to help each other make it through this life a little easier. I have been given anonymous notes, flowers, gift cards, money, and love. I have been given peace. Just when my days have seemed the darkest a little light was given me to help me take the next step and often times that light was given through someone else. So while on paper I am now alone...a Ms Stephanie Johnson with no Mister :)... I am never alone...thank you all!

Just thought I would post a pic so my blog wouldn't be quite so boring!!! :) Still no camera...so no new pics to post!

The year mark....

It has been a year since Chris has passed away. It has been a hard year and a long one but we have made it at least this far. :) I miss Chris, I miss his love he had for EVERYONE. I miss his laugh, his wonderful sense of humor, his spirituality and his down-to-earth humility. I laugh at Sadie's antics and cry that Chris can't be here to help her grow up in this crazy world. I love and appreciate Jen, but mourn that she is having to shoulder the burdens of going it alone. I do marvel that a life well lived affects people long after that person is gone. While I am sure Chris is doing amazing work on the other side, I marvel at the work he is still doing here simply through the example he left by living his life the way he did. He has encouraged and inspired many people, including myself, to be a little better and try a little harder. I love you, Chris!


In loving memory! "Chris York 1978-2009"
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Political Science....

For my political science class I am creating a political blog that I have to keep updated for the semester...let's see if I can do a better job than I do at this one! :) So...if you want a good laugh as I try to act somewhat politically aware come visit my new blog at http://political musings-stephanie.blogspot.com. Please don't be afraid to comment or give me any tips that would make it a better blog...I am getting graded!

Finally...the history of turkey jerky!

I have finally discovered where those disgusting looking packages of "turkey jerky" sold in stores come from. They come from Christmas dinners gone bad. AKA...first the turkey is not taken out of the freezer on time resulting in a very frozen, very non ready bird. Next, after hours of creative thawing, the turkey is transported to the actual event where it is to make its grand appearance, still not cooked, and still holding on to its neck and other such disgusting things that you are told HAVE to be removed before the turkey can be cooked. Next, turkey is relieved of above disgusting extras...with a little help from the actual chef of the party since the "turkey cooker"(me)cannot stand touching raw meat...:P. Then the turkey is finally put into the oven with strict instructions from real chef to fake chef (Dustin to me)about what to do since real chef has to leave the party. Two hours after fake chef is supposed to check on turkey and take off lid for final browning time, fake chef realizes she forgot the turkey was even in the oven...oops. Fake chef quickly rescues turkey from its veeeerrry extended vacation in the warm oven. The turkey leg bones are now literally dry...with the meat pulled back and looking very done. The turkey is now perfect to take off the bone,try to chew and then in defeat send it off to the packaging company to be made into...yes, the packages of disgusting looking turkey jerky.
I would like to say this story is a bit of an exaggeration however, unfortunately it is not...it is not one of those stories where everyone agrees that the turkey actually tasted fine despite all the mishaps. A famous line by one, Jen York, after I gloatingly informed her that Wendy actually asked for some turkey to take home..."Did she actually try it?" Touche! :)

Early Christmas Present!!!!

Today I got the nicest present...that is right...a camera!!!! Yay!!! A wonderful, dear friend of mine got it for me and delivered it today so I would have it in time to take Christmas pics! I took my first picture since July!!! I have been so incredibly blessed this Christmas season with incredible support...both financially and emotionally. I am so grateful for the wonderful support of my friends and family and now I am off to take pictures!!! Stay tuned...

Brayden and Connor are excited too!

Gratitude

In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I would blog a portion of my gratitude list...I could never fit all of it on one little blog! I have so much to be grateful for I don't even know where to start but here it goes...in no particular order!

Disclaimer: No turkeys were harmed in the making of this Thanksgiving list.

1. The savior and the atonement of course always number one.

2. My kids...I don't know how I have been so extremely blessed to have five of the most amazing kids alive...but I am grateful I have!
3. The rest of my family...there are no words humanly possible to express what you mean to me...I could have never made it through the last few months without all of you...especially the wedges ;).

4. Jen and Kim and their extended family...for me they are part of number 3 but I want you to know you how much you all mean to me...you have been amazing supports through this intense year both to Chris and to me...thank you...your support and kind words mean more than you will ever know.
5. Friends...I have some of the best friends a girl could have!
6. School...crazy huh!!! But I am soooo grateful for school-in a time when sometimes I feel I am failing everywhere it is nice to have a place where deferred gratification is a week not 18 years! :)
7. With that said...that my semester is almost over!!! Yay! 3 classes down...3 to go!
8. Prayer...how I love the strength I get through prayer...how I love having somewhere to go that I can bawl my eyes out and say whatever I need to and know the "person" listening truly cares and knows what I need.
9. Scriptures
10. Exercise-I wish I could make the time to do more of it right now...but that will come!
11. Music
12. Kind words and deeds-some days it is the little things that gets me through!
13.Food, all food but mainly dessert, especially chocolate coconut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory! :)

14. Boats!!!! Both the boats I have used in the past and the one I am looking forward to in my future! LOL
15. Laughter!!
16.Love...I am blessed with so much love in my life
17. Determination...strength...maybe even a little bit of anger...the stuff it takes for you to get off the path you are on that is not leading you where you need to go and on to the right path...
18. Peace
19. Adventure!! I have a feeling this new stage in my life will be full of adventure and in some ways I can't wait! :) I am starting to feel the nudging that it is time to finalize past "issues" and get on with the new stage in my life staring me in the face...aaah...dating....bring it on (but not quite yet):).

20. Chris-it has been 7 months since he passed away...unbelievable...but his life still speaks to me always...his journal blesses me so much through my trials as does my memories of the wonderful 31 years we got to spend with him
Overall I know I am so blessed! I love that while my life is hard right now I still have joy and the Lord reminds me always how much I have been given! Happy Thanksgiving!